My Favourite Star Wars Characters

Jedi:

Roron Corobb

Ahsoka Tano

Anakin Skywalker (animated versions)

Shaak Ti

Luminara Unduli

Yoda

Plo Koon

Byph

Obi Wan Kenobi

Mace Windu

Sith (in order of coolness)

Sidious

Maul

Vader

Plagueis

Tyrannus

My Version Is Better - Transformers 2

My Version Is Better - Transformers (Michael Bay Films)

(The first of a series of opinionated ramblings about how various films/books/TV shows etc that didn't quite do it for me would be better with a re-write).

It's become kind of an internet past-time to rag on Michael Bay's Transformer films, hating them is seemingly an indication of 'true' nerdery (with all that implies: smarts, encyclopedic knowledge, more finely attuned sense of what's really awesome, in contrast to all the idiots who like 'dumb' popcorn movies). And to be honest, the greater part of Bay's Transformers franchise deserves it - they films are a dizzying blur of whirling CGI robot parts, an orgy of explosions, tits and asses, with what little and nonsensical plot there is being lost amid all the product placement and five-year-old humour about robot pee, robot balls and robot humping. And there's Shia LeBouf too, just to put the cherry on the top of the shit sundae.

But while all that is certainly valid, and we nerds have something of a right to be upset that the films didn't meet with our expectations, we tend to forget that by the end of the first film not all of us were entirely unhappy with what we'd been served up. It is only as the series has progressed (and regressed in intellect) that we have had cause to become increasingly upset or, as most of my friends now feel about the franchise, distanced.

I quite like the first film. Yes, Transformers is much too long, there's too much of Sam Witwicky and his stupid antics, yes it's weird to hear the Autobots saying things like 'my bad', and the robot designs aren't anything like as elegant or distinguishable as they could (and should) have been, and yes, the film is largely another of Michael Bay's hand-jobs for the US military, but beneath it all there's actually some pretty decent stuff. The voice acting is pretty good overall. The decision to make Bumblebee mute and a Camaro was pretty shrewd, I think (although they should never have had him change into the new model). And it ends in a really interesting place, with Megatron and the Decepticons seemingly defeated and Starscream shooting off into space alone... providing the tantalising hook for a sequel. Overall it's a fairly entertaining if slightly mediocre film that could just do with a bit more editing. It wasn't beyond redemption.

It's in the first sequel that everything went horrifically wrong. Revenge of the Fallen is flat-out terrible, I have never left a cinema after any other film feeling so insulted. It just absolutely floors me how they could get so much so completely wrong in one movie... Aside from the racist stereotypes (though they're bad enough to skip the film), the sexist treatment of the female characters and the immature potty-humour (including the aforementioned robot balls and humping), the sequel completely fails to build on the events of the first film, and in fact contradicts its own continuity and ignores the potential in the first film's ending. Sam Witwicky and his family go from being merely goofy and distracting to outright annoying, and Bay so completely mangles the popular character Jetfire I'm surprised he hasn't been lynched. And talk about a damp squib of an ending - not only is the Fallen a completely redundant antagonist, but when the big show-down finally happens (after much needless meandering and implausible border-hopping) he's defeated in about three seconds flat. The film is an insult to audience intelligence and an absolute abortion of a narrative.

Revenge of the Fallen is where it all went wrong, so that is where I now focus my attention for my re-write. Yes, the third film was similarly stupid, and the fourth looks set to be just as bad, but the second film is where the series could still have been salvaged.

So first off, I'm ditching the Fallen. Most people aren't going to be familiar enough with the more obscure characters from the comics and cartoons to appreciate it, we don't need ancient Cybertronian meddling in Earth's past making a mess of continuity, and we've already got a good (nay, great) pair of villains in Megatron and Starscream. The ending of the first film promises some sort of Decepticon comeback even though they have seemingly been utterly defeated, with Megatron lying apparently dead at the bottom of the ocean and Starscream running away like the clever coward that he is. But then Revenge of the Fallen undoes all that great set-up in its first ten minutes by having a new bunch of Decepticons appear out of nowhere and resurrect Megatron, only for him to be immediately deposed by the Fallen for his failure. That's just shitty. So, no Fallen, and no bringing Megs back straight away. But I'm totally keeping that resurrection scene, I'm just moving it to the latter half of the movie. This is Starscream's story. What the hell, let's call it...


TRANSFORMERS: REIGN OF STARSCREAM


We start with Megatron's remains in the Abyss, cold and lifeless. Or are they? We zoom in on his eye, and hear a faint 'blip blip' sound...

In their secret base, the Decepticons are all assembled. Thinking Megatron is gone for good, Starscream is claiming leadership of the remaining Decepticons, who are all in hiding, starving for energy, directionless and fighting among themselves. Now, remember that Megatron had been out of the picture for a while before the events of the first film, so this is hardly a new state of affairs. Starscream now believes Megatron is truly finished though, and he can finally claim absolute leadership. And he gains the support of a number of the Decepticons with various empty promises that he has no way of delivering on (maybe he also kicks some ass and bullies some of the smaller, weaker Decepticons into supporting him, because while he's a coward, he's still pretty powerful). He has plans, to wipe out the puny battalion of Autobots on Earth and enslave the humans to serve the Decepticons, providing all the energy they could ever want. But he doesn't succeed in gaining his comrades' unanimous support, because they're inherently divided anyway, only uniting under a strong leader like Megatron, and the smarter among them can see that Starscream is all talk with no actual plan. This small faction of dissidents approach Megatron's most loyal and capable lieutenant, Soundwave, for advice.

Now, I have no objection to Soundwave being a satellite - I think it makes pretty good sense actually. It puts him right in the centre of all the Decepticons' schemes, with unequalled access to all sorts of privileged information, and the power to drastically alter the outcomes of any mission. This will become important later on. Soundwave is the exact opposite of Starscream, he's obedient, loyal, thoughtful, and unambitious - the perfect lieutenant, but not really suited to lead. He lacks the flair, talent and ego that Megatron and Starscream have in such great abundance. He counsels obedience to Starscream, even though he acknowledges Starscream is less than ideal a leader. But believing Megatron dead, he sees no alternative, unless anyone wishes to challenge Starscream for the leadership...? Nobody is willing to risk it. Whatever else he is or isn't, Starscream is a skilled and ruthless warrior. So Starscream and his small band of reluctant followers set their poorly-thought-out plans into motion. This will involve locating the Autobots' new secret base and ambushing them individually as they come and go. It will also involve taking over a massive weapons manufacturing plant in a foreign country.

Meanwhile, the Autobots (including several new faces who arrived between the two films) have their new base and are building upon the good faith they have established with the US government and military. Although of course, the international community sees the Autobots as a new American weapon, mistakenly believing the US manufactured the giant robots as instruments of war and surveillance, and decrying US hypocrisy (especially given the hostile American stance toward the big weapons manufacturers overseas). Ambassadors are brought in to meet with Optimus Prime and see that he is in fact an intelligent, peaceful, honorable being, who is no threat to the good citizens of the world. Not all are convinced, some believing him to be just very good simulated AI, but - importantly - he convinces and impresses the ambassador of the country where the weapons plant is located. This isn't entirely a good thing, however, while it will help with the resolution of the main conflict later, it also gives Starscream a way in with the people of that foreign country - the ambassador being unaware that there are in fact two factions of giant alien robots. She's an intelligent, attractive older woman. Soundwave spies on the meeting by hacking into various security cameras and cell phones, and this information is sent to Starscream, who begins putting his plans in motion. 'Launch the attacks!' he commands.

Sam and Bumblebee go off to college, leaving Michaela behind. She misses him and calls him, he finds college life difficult but talks down to her and doesn't get that he's privileged, there's no way she can afford to go to college and besides, she has to help her dad with his garage. She gets angry with him for not realising that her options are limited, she doesn't have the freedom to follow her dreams, and she's mad at him for not even thinking to ask what those might be. 'Because he didn't ask', she tells him she wants to be an actual engineer/designer/architect (something not stereotypically 'feminine' - she ain't no dumb Barbie). Then she hangs up on him. He feels ashamed for being a privileged, sexist pig. But he gets roped into going to a boozy frat party.

Michaela stands there unhappy for a minute, then gets back to work.

The foreign ambassador boards her plane to go home.

The US military guy sees a cellphone sitting in the high security hangar where the foreign dignitaries met with Optimus Prime, and frowns. He takes it with him and puts it in his office - he'll follow up on it in the morning. He turns off the lights to go home. As soon as he's left the room, the cellphone transforms into a tiny bird and flies away.

Bumblebee meanwhile gets bored at being left by himself so much, and starts 'mothering' Sam by making sure he doesn't stay out too late and so on, showing up at the frat party and hinting Sam should be at his dorm. This causes conflict between him and Sam - Sam is finally getting to be his own man, he doesn't want a nanny, and after his argument with Michaela he's feeling aggressive - 'Quit trying to tell me how to live my life!' he yells. He tells Bumblebee to push off, and immediately regrets it because he hurts Bumblebee's feelings and the Autobot drives off and doesn't come back.

The next morning, the Decepticons have invaded the foreign weapons plant, pretending at first to be just like the Autobots. They have plans, and they bring the ambassador in to liaise with her nation's government. She starts to think maybe he misjudged Optimus Prime - Starscream is not nearly as well-mannered or noble.

Bumblebee is driving the roads by himself, blasting out emo tunes. He almost doesn't notice he's being followed. But suddenly he's attacked! We get to see him being badass by himself.

Michaela hears her phone ringing, it's Sam. She's still angry at him, so she turns her phone off.
A short while later, the Autobots assemble to see the fallen comrade Ratchet's just brought in (the audience is led to believe it's Bumblebee, the prognosis is bad - 'he' probably won't survive. We're relieved when we see it's not Bumblebee, it's the victim of another Decepticon ambush). Ratchet deals with the badly wounded Autobot while the others all discuss the attack. They're all surprised, except for Optimus - he suspected something like this might happen, because several of the more prominent Decepticons were unaccounted for at the end of the Mission City battle, Starscream among them. Of course trouble was brewing. But the US government doesn't want to publicly acknowledge the possibility of another Decepticon attack, they're having enough trouble dealing with the fallout from Mission City. Ironhide says that at least they don't have to worry about Megatron anymore, but Optimus Prime says that Starscream is not be underestimated - he lacks Megatron's cunning and knack for strategy, but he's still dangerous - perhaps even more so because he's so unpredictable. Sam contacts them - he tells them he argued with Bumblebee and now Bumblebee hasn't come home. The Autobots try to contact Bumblebee, but to no avail.

We cut back to Bumblebee, he's on the run, ganged-up-on, running low on energy and wounded. But he's surviving. He manages to shake off his pursuers, and once it's safe he makes his way to his nearest point of refuge - Michaela's garage. It's late in the day now, she's closing up the garage. She sees the terrible state he's in and lets him in. She sets to work doing what she can to help him.

On the other side of the world, the President of the foreign country comes at Starscream's summons, accompanied by the ambassador and his military Supreme General, and the President eagerly hears Starscream's plans for the weapons. He and the General both like the promises of military supremacy, and the President pledges to give Starscream all the support and resources he requires. Starscream demands more man-power, energy and raw materials, the ambassador protests that they can't afford to do it, they haven't got the money to spare, it's needed for healthcare and education. The President silences her, says his people will have to make sacrifices but they'll just do as they're told. The ambassador looks on disapprovingly, and then they leave. Starscream is delighted at his success, he thinks it proves he's a great leader, and gloats. But one of his minions mentions that it's a bit early to start celebrating, and besides, neither of the recent attacks has been confirmed as fatal yet. Starscream lashes out at the fool who dared mention this, using his superior firepower to kill the minion. The other Decepticons all grumble about this behind his back - Megatron would often discipline harshly, but he never actually killed his troops just for talking back. One says that if Megatron had led the way Starscream is doing, Starscream would be dead already.

It's night now in the US. The ambassador makes contact with the US military officer, and through them gets a message to Optimus Prime about what's happening at the weapons plant. Optimus thanks the ambassador and begins preparing an assault team to deal with Starscream, with the US military guy's assistance. Neither party is aware that Soundwave is snooping on their communications.

Michaela contacts Sam to tell him Bumblebee is with her, and is badly injured. She doesn't think she can do much for him, and she doesn't want to get her Dad's help - he wouldn't understand, and couldn't help anyway. She's scared, she think Bumblebee is dying. Sam needs to contact the Autobots immediately and get Ratchet to come get him (she's been left out of the loop with all that, and doesn't know how to contact them). Sam tries to apologise, she tells him they don't have time for that now and hangs up on him again. He stares at his phone a second, and then calls the Autobots.

Soundwave listens in on the conversation, and learns that neither attack has been successful. He reports this and his earlier intel to Starscream, who complains at not being notified sooner. Starscream accuses Soundwave of intentionally withholding information, and subtly threatens him. He then begins preparations for the Autobot attack, treating his new workforce cruelly. It's the middle of the night - the human workers haven't eaten, and they need sleep! Starscream doesn't care. The other Decepticons act as slave drivers, but they are not spared Starscream's temper.

Sam hurries away from college to get to the Autobot base to be with his injured friend. He has to hitchhike, and is picked up by an old man trucker (the original Megatron or Bumblebee voice actor, in a truck resembling the original Optimus Prime?) to whom he confesses how he's stuffed up - he's lost his girlfriend and now his best friend is dying because he was a jerk. The random stranger gives him some life lessons, and tells him the great thing about being young is that you can stop doing these dumb things before they become habits. He tells Sam not to be so hard on himself, the important thing is that he's making his way to be there for his friend, fronting up even when he's made himself look like a dumb jerk - he's doing the Right Thing now.

On the other side of the world, soldiers burst into the Ambassador’s house, waking her and her family. They hold her family at gunpoint, and the General enters, and confronts the ambassador about her betrayal, having just been notified by an enraged Starscream, and has her thrown in prison without trial. Clearly, doing the Right Thing isn't always the Safe Thing.

Ratchet arrives at the garage and Michaela helps him load up Bumblebee. She goes with them to the Autobot base.

In the ocean, a US submarine detects a strange blip coming from the Abyss where Megatron was dropped. They phone it in - they have orders...

It’s early morning. Optimus and the other Autobot warriors Roll Out - they will be getting some transport help from their US airforce friends. They drive to the local airfield and load up in the planes. Military Guy accompanies them, and is reunited with some of his old buddies, who tease him about his desk job. He's pleased to see his buddy Ironhide again.

Soundwave reports that the Autobots are on their way, Starscream sends his brother Seekers out to shoot them down over the ocean. He then cracks the whip on his human slaves all the harder. They’ll be ready for when the Autobots arrive, even if every human worker has to die!

Sam is dropped off near the Autobot base and waves goodbye to the old man. Just as he's walking up to the secret entrance Ratchet arrives with Michaela and the injured Bumblebee. They hurry through to the emergency repair room. The humans watch as Ratchet gets to work, and Sam grabs Michaela's hand, anxious. She looks at him, and can see all the worry on his face. She softens, he's not a complete jerk, he loves his friend, he's worried. She smiles at him.

Over the ocean, the US planes are attacked! The Decepticon Seekers give them a pounding, Ironhide and Optimus climb out to shoot at the enemies from outside, high over the water. The Seekers are shot down because of Ironhide's expertise.

Soundwave isn’t paying any attention to the fighting though. He has learned of the ‘blip’ detected by the US submarine, coming from the abyss, and is launching one of his tiny minions - a small swimmer robot, to go and investigate closer.

Surgery's not going well. Optimus Prime calls to see how Bumblebee is doing, tells them about the attack. Sam reports that Bumblebee is not doing well, he's scared. Optimus tells him not to blame himself, he couldn't have known the Decepticons would attack. Optimus says that if anyone is to blame, it is he himself - he knew the Decepticons would be up to something, but he didn't take every possible step to keep everyone safe. He tells Sam to have courage, Bumblebee will pull through - he's a tough little guy. Then he rings off - they're nearing their destination.

And it's Action Time! The Autobots and their US military allies parachute down into the weapons plant and attack... Ironhide takes one team and Optimus takes another, and they attack from different sides. Starscream deploys all his forces, the battle is fierce. the Autobots are not only outnumbered, the Decepticons are bigger and much better armed. And many of them can fly! They've also been busy outfighting the plant's tanks, missile launchers and so on with slave circuits, making them semi-intelligent, able to hunt and track the Autobots.

Ratchet calls Michaela in to help with Bumblebee - she’s not confident but Sam tells her she can do it. She goes in, scared out of her wits. Fixing cars is one thing, but this is like surgery! She never wanted to be a doctor! Sam looks on anxiously.

The swimmer minion confirms - Megatron is NOT dead! Soundwave instantly orders the Constructicons and the Decepticon Doctor to abandon Starscream and head to the Abyss. Starscream sees them go and screams in anger, but has no idea what they’re doing, he thinks they’re just cowards. But he’s not doing too badly himself - Ironhide is no match for him, he only has to worry about Optimus, and he has all his lovely new machines to help him. And most of the Decepticons are still with him, cowed into obedience. He’s confident he will be victorious. He shoots Ironhide right in the face, bringing him down. Optimus cries out, and then It’s On... they square off.

The Constructicons and Doctor arrive in the Abyss and begin repairing Megatron. The minion is sacrificed to provide the necessary Spark. Megatron awakes, and Soundwave communicates all current intel instantly. Megatron rises rapidly, and bursts from the ocean, heading for the foreign country with his loyal followers close behind.

Ratchet calls Sam in. They’re losing Bumblebee, he should say his goodbyes. Sam can’t believe it, he says he refuses to give up on his friend. He sits there with Bumblebee while Ratchet and Michaela keep trying. While they work, he talks about how Bumblebee is the best friend he's ever had, and how he's sorry he took him for granted. Michaela overhears, and softens a little more.

Optimus is battling Starscream, the other Decepticons are staying back. Half of them are curious to see what will happen - the other half of them want Starscream to fail. Optimus is older and not nearly as agile, he lacks Starscream’s impressive firepower, but he’s more cunning, less reckless. Starscream is losing, despite firing off devastating volleys. As they fight, they talk, and Optimus tells Starscream he doesn’t have to do this, he’s not Megatron, he’ll lose. He says he could at least respect Megatron, because Megatron was fighting for a cause. Starscream is just out for personal gain. Starscream is getting mad, yelling ‘Stop talking about Megatron! Stop comparing me to Megatron!’ This of course is exactly what Optimus wants, Starscream is getting more and more reckless.

And then it happens - Megatron bursts into the room, covered in rust and slime, looking like some demon or titan, yelling ‘Starscreeeeeam!’ Optimus and Starscream are stunned. The other Decepticons instantly fall in behind Megatron. Starscream grovels, lying that he was just preparing for Megatron’s return. Megatron sees through the lie and tells him it was a stupid plan, and that even if it did have any strategic potential it’s been squandered now - the place is a wreck. And it stinks of humans. He clobbers Starscream, and points his gun at him, demanding to know why he shouldn’t just kill him now. Starscream pleads and begs, and Megatron calls him ‘Pathetic,’ and ‘A snivelling coward’.

Meanwhile Optimus has grabbed Ironhide and he and his allies are in full retreat, telling all the human slaves to get out while they can. Military Guy and his mates have set explosives, and these begin to detonate.
Megatron clubs Starscream again and has his loyal followers take him into custody to be dealt with later. Starscream asks what will happen to him, and Megatron says he expects he’ll probably kill him, but maybe not. He dismisses Starscream from his presence, and turns to deal with Prime, but the explosions and his weakened state prevent him from catching his prey, even as he stalks through the inferno like a giant from the depths of hell. He sees Optimus and the Autobots escape, and vows that he will have his revenge, not today, but soon... very soon...

The Autobots make it back to the US, and say farewell to their human allies. Then they head back to base. There, they meet Sam, Michaela, Ratchet and Bumblebee... who has been saved. Ratchet says Michaela did an amazing job, despite not knowing Cybertronian anatomy. Bumblebee would have died if she hadn’t kept him alive until Ratchet could get to him. He’s weak, and will need ongoing repairs, but he’s out of danger. Optimus congratulates her, but not at length - Ironhide is badly wounded, and some of the others need help too. Ratchet mentions he could really do with Wheeljack’s help around the place, they should look into locating him. Then he and Michaela go back in to continue - but Sam grabs her hand and tries to thank her. He can’t, but she can see it in his face. She kisses him, and heads back in to surgery.

The rest of the day passes and Ironhide comes out restored, the other Autobots pop in and out, and Bumblebee and Sam sit outside in the afternoon sunshine. As the sun sets, Michaela comes out, and she tells him Ratchet is going to give her some specialist training, and Optimus says he might be able to help her get a scholarship or something. She and Sam kiss, then drive off back to their lives. It’s back to college for him, and back to work for her, but maybe not right away... As Bumblebee drives off into the sunset, Optimus delivers his final speech about how the Decepticons don’t understand true loyalty, friendship and love, and that is why they’ll always lose.

Credits roll, but stop halfway through. The ambassador, sitting in her jail cell, is surprised when the cell door is opened. The General comes in, and tells her she’s free to go - the President has been deposed. The ambassador is grateful, but wants to know who will be in charge now? The general smiles an evil smile. ‘A powerful man’, he replies, ‘A man with a vison.’ It’s clear he’s talking about himself, but that the words apply equally to Megatron. The ambassador smiles but she’s clearly disturbed by the words (the implication is that with Megatron back in charge of the Decepticons, things are about to get dangerous...)

The Alien

I wrote this on one of my old blogs about a year ago, prior to the release of Ridley Scott's Prometheus:

Of the many variations on the design of the Alien, H. R. Giger's original is, to my mind, far and away the best, because it is the most alien of the lot. After the initial nightmarish creature, the design became ever more organic and insect-like (and slimy), as all subsequent films dwelt on the eusocial, hive-like qualities introduced in James Cameron's first sequel. But in doing so, they drifted away from what it was that was so unsettling about the Alien in the first place - the fact that it was NOT like anything we'd encountered before. The original was a triumph of ambiguity and perversity - here was a creature that seemed to be both animal and machine, rigid yet graceful, slow and yet capable of great speed, inhuman and yet so very, very human in such alarming ways. Its design incorporated elements suggestive of both male and female sexual organs; it was the very embodiment of rape and yet it also defied the usual categories of human sexuality, being neither male nor female.

Part of the problem is that, from the second film onward, the creature had a name of sorts. In the first film it was quite simply the Alien, an ambiguous name for an ambiguous and unknown thing. But in Aliens the creatures came to be known as Xenomorphs, meaning 'strange form' or 'alien creature', which arguably has much the same meaning but lacks the directness and uneasiness of the word 'alien' itself. Fans and spin-off media have gone even further, bestowing upon the creatures the scientific-sounding binomial classifications 'Linguafoeda Acheronsis' ('foul-tongue from Hell') or alternatively 'Internecivus Raptus' ('Murderous Thief'). It was inevitable that some of the mystery and thus the fascination of the creatures would be stripped away with greater exposure in sequels, part of the beasts's perverse allure was in its mysteriousness - it was only glimpsed briefly and to great effect in the original film.

In Defense of Jake Lloyd (The Phantom Menace)

Poor Jake Lloyd.

The kid who played the young Anakin Skywalker in the first of the Star Wars prequels, 1999's 'The Phantom Menace', has received been on the receiving end of so much cruel mockery in the years since that he's dropped out of acting, destroyed all mementos of his time on the film-set and by all accounts become quite an angry young man, lashing out at anyone who mentions his involvement in the film.

I really do feel for him. He was just a kid, he'd landed the biggest acting job possible for someone his age in the most anticipated movie of all time, and he had the misfortune to have a George Lucas penned-script to read from, with the man himself directing. The faults in the kid's performance can be laid squarely at the feet of George Lucas, I believe - The Secret History of Star Wars makes a compelling case that fanboy hatred of this film and of little Jake Lloyd is misdirected.

Back in the 70s and 80s, Lucas himself acknowledged that he was no good at writing, and thus his early films were far more collaborative, but after losing control of the direction of 'The Empire Strikes Back' he began to assert greater and greater control over the production of 'Return of the Jedi' and all his subsequent films, and was surrounded by sycophants and yes-men who gave him far more credit for the success of the Star Wars franchise than he was owed, leading him to make the terrible decision to write and direct the prequels himself. We all know how that turned out - they sucked, big time. And a big part of that is that the prequels didn't give us the story we'd been expecting - all the good stuff we'd been anticipating was left until the last twenty minutes of the third film, and instead we got a load of bollocks about midi-chlorians, Jango Fett and Padme's ever-changing wardrobe.

None of this is Jake Lloyd's fault. I personally think the kid did a great job under the circumstances - he was by no means the worst child actor I'd ever seen, and he was one of the few people in the prequel trilogy to really throw himself into the role. It's not his fault that he was expected to shout "Yippeee!" and say dumb things like "I'll try spinning - that's a good trick." He actually interacted a lot more believably with the digitally-added characters like Sebulba and Watto than many of the adult actors did. Nevertheless, with expectations running so high for the film, it was inevitable that people would be disappointed - nostalgia is powerful, and we all remembered 'Star Wars' as the best thing since, like, ever. The trailers for 'The Phantom Menace' certainly made it look like it would be jaw-droppingly, pants-wettingly good.

Still, I actually like 'The Phantom Menace' - arguably as much as 'Revenge of the Sith' and certainly more than 'Attack of the Clones'. It's full of fantastic costuming and beautiful scenery and absolutely brimming with clever ideas, and it starts evil Emperor Palpatine's story off well. A lot of people found the political stuff boring, but I liked it - it brought a new level of depth and nuance to the Star Wars universe. Of course there were missteps - the Yoda puppet was terrible, as were the CGI Jabba and two headed pod-race commentator. Secondary villain Darth Maul was magnificent, even if killed off prematurely. Jar-Jar Binks was painfully unfunny, and it can't be denied that both he and Watto bear unfortunate racial overtones. There was that whole midi-chlorian mess. And yes, a lot of little Anakin's dialogue was unbearably cheesy. But overall, it was a solidly entertaining film, and a far more intelligent one than the original 'Star Wars' and its second sequel, 'Jedi' ('Empire', of course, is far and away the best of the series, and tellingly, it's also the one George Lucas had the least involvement with).

I know he's never likely to see this, but if he does: Jake Lloyd, I think you did a great job, and I'm sorry it's turned out so badly for you. You don't deserve the hate.

Nerds can be so cruel.

OMG OMG OMG!!!

So, thanks to my favourite website, io9.com, I just learned that HBO has cast my favourite character from George RR Martin's 'A Song of Ice and Fire' for the fourth season of their great adaptation, Game of Thrones.

http://io9.com/game-of-thrones-has-cast-its-red-viper-618296783

Pedro Pascal (below) will be playing the Red Viper, Oberyn Martell, Prince of Dorne, the most epic badass of all time. I have no idea who the actor is, but he'll look good in the part.

Phwoar.

From io9:

EW shares this note about the casting from the showrunners:

“This was a tough one,” say showrunners David Benioff and Dan Weiss about the casting. “The Red Viper is sexy and charming, yet believably dangerous; intensely likable, yet driven by hate. The boys love him, the girls love him, and he loves them all back. Unless your last name is Lannister. We found a fellow who can handle the job description and make it seem effortless. He wasn’t easy to find and he won’t be easy to stop.”

SPOILERS!! The Red Viper shows up in King's Landing for King Joffrey's marriage to Margaery Tyrell. Spoilers: he hates both families with a passion. He's also bisexual, as is his bastard lover Ellaria Sand, who he insists on seating at the high table of the feast amid the snooty nobles, much to Queen Cersei's displeasure. The Dornish don't care though, they do things differently in the South.

But the Viper isn't just there for dessert, oh no, he's come seeking justice for the murder of his beloved sister Elia (wife of Prince Rhaegar Targaryen, the son of the Mad King). Elia was brutally raped and killed by the Mountain when Tywin Lannister's armies sacked the capitol at the height of Robert's Rebellion, and her two children were murdered on Tywin's orders and presented to the newly-crowned Robert as evidence of the Lannisters' loyalty to their new king. After all these long years, the Viper wants the Mountain's head, yes, but he wants the man who gave the orders too.

The Viper has eight fiery bastard daughters back in Dorne, known as the Sand Snakes. One of these daughters will become very important later on, as will the murder of Elia's children. This is by no means a tangent to the main narrative - the Dornish have been kept out of the first books and the early seasons of the show because their part is an important one. I have been WAITING for this, if they do this right, I will be supremely happy.

House Robot

Another great place to find 'A Song of Ice and Fire' overviews/reviews is YouTube user comicbookgirl19's channel, check it out here:

http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLHZDkFt4F9fNO6XB4L1mi4v-vs96zy53g

She's funny, passionate, knowledgeable about the subject and smokin' hot to boot. I have watched her well-produced videos over and over again since I discovered them, my only complaint about them is that there just aren't enough of them! Seriously, go watch them. And if you have some money to donate to help her keep producing this great content, please do ;)

I'm also a huge fan of her co-host, Robot. He's not only well-designed (love that floppy-disc decal on his chest) but the guy doing his voice and movement is hilarious.

The Potter Post

So.

Harry Potter.

It's been a few years now since the series that rejuvenated the young adult book market came to a close, and a couple of years since the final installment of the film franchise based on it. Say what you will about J.K. Rowling, she certainly made her mark with her series of novels about the boy wizard - Harry Potter was an inescapable cultural phenomenon that can be exclusively credited with getting kids interested in reading again. The films were fine, but it was the BOOKS that had kids and young adults around the world waiting with baited breath to see what would happen next to Harry and his friends Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. It was the BOOKS that had people queuing up around the block for days in advance of their release.

Harry Potter was the Star Wars of the late nineties and noughties. And it took the form of a series of novels. Harry Potter made books COOL.

So how did Rowling do it? Her prose is pretty mundane, and she ripped off (sorry, incorporated elements of) the works of the far more talented Charles Dickens, JRR Tolkien, CS Lewis and Terry Pratchett, with none of their flair, none of the cohesiveness or depth of their literary creations. But maybe it's unfair to compare her those giants of fantasy literature - or maybe not.

Her wizarding world may not have the depth and scope of Tolkien's Middle-Earth, but her books have a lot more humour and her world has the advantage of intersecting with the real world in ways that are immediate and relatable to its readers. Events in Rowling's wizarding community are depicted as have a bearing on the mundane world of Muggles, rather than taking place in a semi-mythical era a long time ago. Dumbledore is a far more conflicted, mysterious and interesting character than Gandalf, and his grandfatherly relationship to Harry is more intimate and meaningful than Gandalf's is to either Bilbo or Frodo. Lord Voldemort is a much more compelling primary villain than Sauron - while Sauron is just an ancient embodiment of utter evil, Voldemort was an unfortunate child who grew into an adult bent on the destruction of everything he hated about himself.

The Potter books draw on the Dickensian formula of having an impoverished, scruffy orphan boy as the protagonist, a child who has been abused and neglected his whole life. Harry's an under-dog, and so we as readers are instantly on his side. He's also distinctly British, and the world he comes to inhabit is defined by the sort of social institutions, technologies and artefacts of the the Industrial Age that one finds throughout the works of Dickens - boarding schools, banks, quaintly-named hospitals, train stations, horse-drawn carriages, fireplaces, portraits, ink pots, letters... it's a deeply sentimental look back at Britain That Was (Doctor Who would similarly build on this sort of nostalgia when it came back from the grave in 2005). In a fast-paced, sexed-up, confusing modern world where having the latest model cellphone is crucial to one's social standing, there's something safe and comforting about being able to slip back into times that we (perhaps falsely) remember as simpler.

But Rowling's world has an advantage over the grim Industrial world of Dickens, for it is also a world of magic. Rowling manages to put a fun twist on the Industrial era with her inclusion of Hippogriffs, Goblins, Dragons and the like, by having owl-delivered letters, fireplace-travel, and train station platforms that can only be accessed by ridiculous means, and by the right people. Nostaligia for the quaint old-fashioned world of Dickens is cleverly combined with the escapism of CS Lewis' Narnia, with a whole world hidden just out of view that one might accidentally step into at any moment (if one happens to have wizard blood). In fact, of all the various influences on the Harry Potter books, CS Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia is perhaps the most similar, although on the surface they don't look very alike. In Lewis' books, children step OUT of a quaint Dickensian world into a strange world of dwarfs, witches, lions and castles, whereas in Rowling's books a modern child (albeit a deprived and decidedly anachronistic one) steps INTO a quaint Dickensian world that just happens to have some of the same stuff that Lewis' strange world has in it. Rowling's wizarding world quite literally makes the best of both worlds.

Unlike Lewis, however, Rowling keeps her narrative tightly focused on her single protagonist and his experiences, thoughts and feelings. In the Potter books, the reader doesn't see events that don't happen right in front of Harry, except when he's taken into a recreation of past events through Tom Riddle's diary or Dumbledore's memory device - for everything else he has to rely on the often partial, sometimes conflicting and confusing accounts of other characters. This adds a layer of ambiguity that the reader can have fun parsing for truth - it makes detectives of us all. The Harry Potter series, then, for all its Dickensian and fantasy trappings, is more akin to Scooby Doo. We like puzzles, and Harry Potter's life is a great one.

Another element that contributes to the addictiveness of the series is Rowling's canny inclusion of the 'team' element. Readers are presented (initially) with four 'teams' - the Houses at Hogwarts: Gryffendor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Slytherin (to these are later added the visiting European school 'teams' - Beauxbatons and Durmstrang). Each 'team' is depicted as representing particular character traits which readers can see in themselves, and so it is easy to imagine oneself a member of a particular house based on our own strengths, interests and talents (I like to thing I'm a Ravenclaw). While we are clearly meant to root first and foremost for brave Gryffendor and despise power-hungry Slytherin, we're also given the option of aligning ourselves to intellectual Ravenclaw or inclusive Hufflepuff. As the series progresses, we get heroes from all four teams - importantly, even Slytherin. This is the real genius of the Harry Potter books, they allow the reader to imagine themselves as part of the story in a way that almost nothing else has.

I really do think this is an immensely important point - it's something I've been noticing in other top-popularity series lately, from 'Twilight' to 'The Hunger Games' to George RR Martin's brilliant 'A Song of Ice and Fire' series. In ASOIAF, we're presented with a similar central 'Team A' vs 'Team B' dichotomy - we're meant to admire and relate to the dour, honourable Starks and despise the proud, wealthy Lannisters, while also being presented with other 'teams' we can identify with - the Tullys, the Baratheons, the Targaryens, the Arryns, the Martells and so on. Each family is associated with a particular geographic area of Martin's fictional world, has its own sigil and motto, and collection of physical traits (it's worth noting that while the essential formula is the same as that of the Potter books, with their descriptions of various 'teams' and their associated heraldry, the scope of Martin's series is far greater - there are hundreds of Houses, many of which have detailed histories of conflict and romance). I don't think it's a coincidence that both series are absurdly popular - in fact, I rather think that the Potter-Generation kids have 'graduated' to reading Ice and Fire now they're older.

And of course, at the heart of both series is a love triangle. With the Song of Ice and Fire, it's Robert Baratheon and Rhaegar Targaryen's fight over Lyanna Stark, with everything that follows being a consequence of two men tearing the world apart for the sake of a woman (more on that later). In the Potter-verse, much of the drama comes down to the fact that social misfit Severus Snape loved brilliant Lily Evans, who chose popular James Potter. While this choice doesn't have the world-shattering consequences of the Ice and Fire love triangle (there being no kings involved, and of course, Tom Riddle having already set off down the dark path to becoming Lord Voldemort quite independently from this little spat between Potter and Snape), it is far more personal, having a direct bearing on the life of the books' protagonist. The adult Snape goes out of his way to torment Harry because Harry is a constant reminder of Lily's choosing James. And Snape's eventual redemption is an integral part of the downfall of the series' main villain. The Potter series is profoundly romantic at heart.

Which brings us, finally, to the advent of 'shipping', an inseparable part of the popularity of the Potter franchise. Now, 'shipping' has always existed, of course, but it found its clearest expression in Harry Potter, most likely because the Potter Generation is the first to have been born into a world where computers and the Internet were a part of everyday life. Potter-Generation youth flocked to the online forums to discuss each and every plot development, theory and prediction, and of course romantic relationships between the characters quickly rose to prominence as the issue of paramount importance. Who would Harry's first kiss be with? Who would become his girlfriend? Brilliant but frumpy Hermione Granger, who had been with him every step of the way? Insanely talented Ginny Weasley, with her fiery hair and temper? Uncanny Luna Lovegood, with her otherworldly spirituality? Or Cho Chang, the pretty, popular girl? There were plenty of options, and the reader aligned themselves with one choice - one 'ship' - or another depending on their personal preferences. It was another kind of 'team' allegiance. And of course, when Harry eventually made his choice (which I would argue was heralded from the very beginning - more on that later) half the fandom broke down in tears. It wasn't just Harry, either - would Ron and Hermione get together? What about Neville?

And of course, I can't finish off a post about Harry Potter without briefly discussing the fact that Rowling very publicly declared that one of her primary and most important characters - Dumbledore himself, no less - is gay. The impact of this statement on a generation of youth cannot be overstated. Millions of kids around the world grew up knowing that their hero's mentor, the strongest of the good wizards, the man who enabled Harry to defeat the most evil dark wizard alive, was a gay man. There is ample evidence in the text to support the notion, too, from his sometime-estrangement from his family, his flamboyant style of dress and penchant for knitting patterns, and importantly, some pretty strong evidence that he once loved a man, Gellert Grindelwald. The romanticism that permeates the series is extended to a gay man - that's hugely significant in a series of children's books. Rowling's books essentially humanized gay people for vast swathes of young readers who only heard negative, false stereotypes about us elsewhere. And now, finally, around the world, policies of exclusion toward LGBT people are being challenged by the youth who grew up reading Ms Rowling's books. That's a legacy to be proud of.

So thank you, J.K. Rowling, thank you for giving us an optimistic, inclusive, wonder-filled world to inspire us toward our better human qualities in our own lives. Thank you for Harry Potter.