My Version Is Better - Transformers (Michael Bay Films)
(The first of a series of opinionated ramblings about how various films/books/TV shows etc that didn't quite do it for me would be better with a re-write).
It's become kind of an internet past-time to rag on Michael Bay's Transformer films, hating them is seemingly an indication of 'true' nerdery (with all that implies: smarts, encyclopedic knowledge, more finely attuned sense of what's really awesome, in contrast to all the idiots who like 'dumb' popcorn movies). And to be honest, the greater part of Bay's Transformers franchise deserves it - they films are a dizzying blur of whirling CGI robot parts, an orgy of explosions, tits and asses, with what little and nonsensical plot there is being lost amid all the product placement and five-year-old humour about robot pee, robot balls and robot humping. And there's Shia LeBouf too, just to put the cherry on the top of the shit sundae.
But while all that is certainly valid, and we nerds have something of a right to be upset that the films didn't meet with our expectations, we tend to forget that by the end of the first film not all of us were entirely unhappy with what we'd been served up. It is only as the series has progressed (and regressed in intellect) that we have had cause to become increasingly upset or, as most of my friends now feel about the franchise, distanced.
I quite like the first film. Yes, Transformers is much too long, there's too much of Sam Witwicky and his stupid antics, yes it's weird to hear the Autobots saying things like 'my bad', and the robot designs aren't anything like as elegant or distinguishable as they could (and should) have been, and yes, the film is largely another of Michael Bay's hand-jobs for the US military, but beneath it all there's actually some pretty decent stuff. The voice acting is pretty good overall. The decision to make Bumblebee mute and a Camaro was pretty shrewd, I think (although they should never have had him change into the new model). And it ends in a really interesting place, with Megatron and the Decepticons seemingly defeated and Starscream shooting off into space alone... providing the tantalising hook for a sequel. Overall it's a fairly entertaining if slightly mediocre film that could just do with a bit more editing. It wasn't beyond redemption.
It's in the first sequel that everything went horrifically wrong. Revenge of the Fallen is flat-out terrible, I have never left a cinema after any other film feeling so insulted. It just absolutely floors me how they could get so much so completely wrong in one movie... Aside from the racist stereotypes (though they're bad enough to skip the film), the sexist treatment of the female characters and the immature potty-humour (including the aforementioned robot balls and humping), the sequel completely fails to build on the events of the first film, and in fact contradicts its own continuity and ignores the potential in the first film's ending. Sam Witwicky and his family go from being merely goofy and distracting to outright annoying, and Bay so completely mangles the popular character Jetfire I'm surprised he hasn't been lynched. And talk about a damp squib of an ending - not only is the Fallen a completely redundant antagonist, but when the big show-down finally happens (after much needless meandering and implausible border-hopping) he's defeated in about three seconds flat. The film is an insult to audience intelligence and an absolute abortion of a narrative.
Revenge of the Fallen is where it all went wrong, so that is where I now focus my attention for my re-write. Yes, the third film was similarly stupid, and the fourth looks set to be just as bad, but the second film is where the series could still have been salvaged.
So first off, I'm ditching the Fallen. Most people aren't going to be familiar enough with the more obscure characters from the comics and cartoons to appreciate it, we don't need ancient Cybertronian meddling in Earth's past making a mess of continuity, and we've already got a good (nay, great) pair of villains in Megatron and Starscream. The ending of the first film promises some sort of Decepticon comeback even though they have seemingly been utterly defeated, with Megatron lying apparently dead at the bottom of the ocean and Starscream running away like the clever coward that he is. But then Revenge of the Fallen undoes all that great set-up in its first ten minutes by having a new bunch of Decepticons appear out of nowhere and resurrect Megatron, only for him to be immediately deposed by the Fallen for his failure. That's just shitty. So, no Fallen, and no bringing Megs back straight away. But I'm totally keeping that resurrection scene, I'm just moving it to the latter half of the movie. This is Starscream's story. What the hell, let's call it...
TRANSFORMERS: REIGN OF STARSCREAM
We start with Megatron's remains in the Abyss, cold and lifeless. Or are they? We zoom in on his eye, and hear a faint 'blip blip' sound...
In their secret base, the Decepticons are all assembled. Thinking Megatron is gone for good, Starscream is claiming leadership of the remaining Decepticons, who are all in hiding, starving for energy, directionless and fighting among themselves. Now, remember that Megatron had been out of the picture for a while before the events of the first film, so this is hardly a new state of affairs. Starscream now believes Megatron is truly finished though, and he can finally claim absolute leadership. And he gains the support of a number of the Decepticons with various empty promises that he has no way of delivering on (maybe he also kicks some ass and bullies some of the smaller, weaker Decepticons into supporting him, because while he's a coward, he's still pretty powerful). He has plans, to wipe out the puny battalion of Autobots on Earth and enslave the humans to serve the Decepticons, providing all the energy they could ever want. But he doesn't succeed in gaining his comrades' unanimous support, because they're inherently divided anyway, only uniting under a strong leader like Megatron, and the smarter among them can see that Starscream is all talk with no actual plan. This small faction of dissidents approach Megatron's most loyal and capable lieutenant, Soundwave, for advice.
Now, I have no objection to Soundwave being a satellite - I think it makes pretty good sense actually. It puts him right in the centre of all the Decepticons' schemes, with unequalled access to all sorts of privileged information, and the power to drastically alter the outcomes of any mission. This will become important later on. Soundwave is the exact opposite of Starscream, he's obedient, loyal, thoughtful, and unambitious - the perfect lieutenant, but not really suited to lead. He lacks the flair, talent and ego that Megatron and Starscream have in such great abundance. He counsels obedience to Starscream, even though he acknowledges Starscream is less than ideal a leader. But believing Megatron dead, he sees no alternative, unless anyone wishes to challenge Starscream for the leadership...? Nobody is willing to risk it. Whatever else he is or isn't, Starscream is a skilled and ruthless warrior. So Starscream and his small band of reluctant followers set their poorly-thought-out plans into motion. This will involve locating the Autobots' new secret base and ambushing them individually as they come and go. It will also involve taking over a massive weapons manufacturing plant in a foreign country.
Meanwhile, the Autobots (including several new faces who arrived between the two films) have their new base and are building upon the good faith they have established with the US government and military. Although of course, the international community sees the Autobots as a new American weapon, mistakenly believing the US manufactured the giant robots as instruments of war and surveillance, and decrying US hypocrisy (especially given the hostile American stance toward the big weapons manufacturers overseas). Ambassadors are brought in to meet with Optimus Prime and see that he is in fact an intelligent, peaceful, honorable being, who is no threat to the good citizens of the world. Not all are convinced, some believing him to be just very good simulated AI, but - importantly - he convinces and impresses the ambassador of the country where the weapons plant is located. This isn't entirely a good thing, however, while it will help with the resolution of the main conflict later, it also gives Starscream a way in with the people of that foreign country - the ambassador being unaware that there are in fact two factions of giant alien robots. She's an intelligent, attractive older woman. Soundwave spies on the meeting by hacking into various security cameras and cell phones, and this information is sent to Starscream, who begins putting his plans in motion. 'Launch the attacks!' he commands.
Sam and Bumblebee go off to college, leaving Michaela behind. She misses him and calls him, he finds college life difficult but talks down to her and doesn't get that he's privileged, there's no way she can afford to go to college and besides, she has to help her dad with his garage. She gets angry with him for not realising that her options are limited, she doesn't have the freedom to follow her dreams, and she's mad at him for not even thinking to ask what those might be. 'Because he didn't ask', she tells him she wants to be an actual engineer/designer/architect (something not stereotypically 'feminine' - she ain't no dumb Barbie). Then she hangs up on him. He feels ashamed for being a privileged, sexist pig. But he gets roped into going to a boozy frat party.
Michaela stands there unhappy for a minute, then gets back to work.
The foreign ambassador boards her plane to go home.
The US military guy sees a cellphone sitting in the high security hangar where the foreign dignitaries met with Optimus Prime, and frowns. He takes it with him and puts it in his office - he'll follow up on it in the morning. He turns off the lights to go home. As soon as he's left the room, the cellphone transforms into a tiny bird and flies away.
Bumblebee meanwhile gets bored at being left by himself so much, and starts 'mothering' Sam by making sure he doesn't stay out too late and so on, showing up at the frat party and hinting Sam should be at his dorm. This causes conflict between him and Sam - Sam is finally getting to be his own man, he doesn't want a nanny, and after his argument with Michaela he's feeling aggressive - 'Quit trying to tell me how to live my life!' he yells. He tells Bumblebee to push off, and immediately regrets it because he hurts Bumblebee's feelings and the Autobot drives off and doesn't come back.
The next morning, the Decepticons have invaded the foreign weapons plant, pretending at first to be just like the Autobots. They have plans, and they bring the ambassador in to liaise with her nation's government. She starts to think maybe he misjudged Optimus Prime - Starscream is not nearly as well-mannered or noble.
Bumblebee is driving the roads by himself, blasting out emo tunes. He almost doesn't notice he's being followed. But suddenly he's attacked! We get to see him being badass by himself.
Michaela hears her phone ringing, it's Sam. She's still angry at him, so she turns her phone off.
A short while later, the Autobots assemble to see the fallen comrade Ratchet's just brought in (the audience is led to believe it's Bumblebee, the prognosis is bad - 'he' probably won't survive. We're relieved when we see it's not Bumblebee, it's the victim of another Decepticon ambush). Ratchet deals with the badly wounded Autobot while the others all discuss the attack. They're all surprised, except for Optimus - he suspected something like this might happen, because several of the more prominent Decepticons were unaccounted for at the end of the Mission City battle, Starscream among them. Of course trouble was brewing. But the US government doesn't want to publicly acknowledge the possibility of another Decepticon attack, they're having enough trouble dealing with the fallout from Mission City. Ironhide says that at least they don't have to worry about Megatron anymore, but Optimus Prime says that Starscream is not be underestimated - he lacks Megatron's cunning and knack for strategy, but he's still dangerous - perhaps even more so because he's so unpredictable. Sam contacts them - he tells them he argued with Bumblebee and now Bumblebee hasn't come home. The Autobots try to contact Bumblebee, but to no avail.
We cut back to Bumblebee, he's on the run, ganged-up-on, running low on energy and wounded. But he's surviving. He manages to shake off his pursuers, and once it's safe he makes his way to his nearest point of refuge - Michaela's garage. It's late in the day now, she's closing up the garage. She sees the terrible state he's in and lets him in. She sets to work doing what she can to help him.
On the other side of the world, the President of the foreign country comes at Starscream's summons, accompanied by the ambassador and his military Supreme General, and the President eagerly hears Starscream's plans for the weapons. He and the General both like the promises of military supremacy, and the President pledges to give Starscream all the support and resources he requires. Starscream demands more man-power, energy and raw materials, the ambassador protests that they can't afford to do it, they haven't got the money to spare, it's needed for healthcare and education. The President silences her, says his people will have to make sacrifices but they'll just do as they're told. The ambassador looks on disapprovingly, and then they leave. Starscream is delighted at his success, he thinks it proves he's a great leader, and gloats. But one of his minions mentions that it's a bit early to start celebrating, and besides, neither of the recent attacks has been confirmed as fatal yet. Starscream lashes out at the fool who dared mention this, using his superior firepower to kill the minion. The other Decepticons all grumble about this behind his back - Megatron would often discipline harshly, but he never actually killed his troops just for talking back. One says that if Megatron had led the way Starscream is doing, Starscream would be dead already.
It's night now in the US. The ambassador makes contact with the US military officer, and through them gets a message to Optimus Prime about what's happening at the weapons plant. Optimus thanks the ambassador and begins preparing an assault team to deal with Starscream, with the US military guy's assistance. Neither party is aware that Soundwave is snooping on their communications.
Michaela contacts Sam to tell him Bumblebee is with her, and is badly injured. She doesn't think she can do much for him, and she doesn't want to get her Dad's help - he wouldn't understand, and couldn't help anyway. She's scared, she think Bumblebee is dying. Sam needs to contact the Autobots immediately and get Ratchet to come get him (she's been left out of the loop with all that, and doesn't know how to contact them). Sam tries to apologise, she tells him they don't have time for that now and hangs up on him again. He stares at his phone a second, and then calls the Autobots.
Soundwave listens in on the conversation, and learns that neither attack has been successful. He reports this and his earlier intel to Starscream, who complains at not being notified sooner. Starscream accuses Soundwave of intentionally withholding information, and subtly threatens him. He then begins preparations for the Autobot attack, treating his new workforce cruelly. It's the middle of the night - the human workers haven't eaten, and they need sleep! Starscream doesn't care. The other Decepticons act as slave drivers, but they are not spared Starscream's temper.
Sam hurries away from college to get to the Autobot base to be with his injured friend. He has to hitchhike, and is picked up by an old man trucker (the original Megatron or Bumblebee voice actor, in a truck resembling the original Optimus Prime?) to whom he confesses how he's stuffed up - he's lost his girlfriend and now his best friend is dying because he was a jerk. The random stranger gives him some life lessons, and tells him the great thing about being young is that you can stop doing these dumb things before they become habits. He tells Sam not to be so hard on himself, the important thing is that he's making his way to be there for his friend, fronting up even when he's made himself look like a dumb jerk - he's doing the Right Thing now.
On the other side of the world, soldiers burst into the Ambassador’s house, waking her and her family. They hold her family at gunpoint, and the General enters, and confronts the ambassador about her betrayal, having just been notified by an enraged Starscream, and has her thrown in prison without trial. Clearly, doing the Right Thing isn't always the Safe Thing.
Ratchet arrives at the garage and Michaela helps him load up Bumblebee. She goes with them to the Autobot base.
In the ocean, a US submarine detects a strange blip coming from the Abyss where Megatron was dropped. They phone it in - they have orders...
It’s early morning. Optimus and the other Autobot warriors Roll Out - they will be getting some transport help from their US airforce friends. They drive to the local airfield and load up in the planes. Military Guy accompanies them, and is reunited with some of his old buddies, who tease him about his desk job. He's pleased to see his buddy Ironhide again.
Soundwave reports that the Autobots are on their way, Starscream sends his brother Seekers out to shoot them down over the ocean. He then cracks the whip on his human slaves all the harder. They’ll be ready for when the Autobots arrive, even if every human worker has to die!
Sam is dropped off near the Autobot base and waves goodbye to the old man. Just as he's walking up to the secret entrance Ratchet arrives with Michaela and the injured Bumblebee. They hurry through to the emergency repair room. The humans watch as Ratchet gets to work, and Sam grabs Michaela's hand, anxious. She looks at him, and can see all the worry on his face. She softens, he's not a complete jerk, he loves his friend, he's worried. She smiles at him.
Over the ocean, the US planes are attacked! The Decepticon Seekers give them a pounding, Ironhide and Optimus climb out to shoot at the enemies from outside, high over the water. The Seekers are shot down because of Ironhide's expertise.
Soundwave isn’t paying any attention to the fighting though. He has learned of the ‘blip’ detected by the US submarine, coming from the abyss, and is launching one of his tiny minions - a small swimmer robot, to go and investigate closer.
Surgery's not going well. Optimus Prime calls to see how Bumblebee is doing, tells them about the attack. Sam reports that Bumblebee is not doing well, he's scared. Optimus tells him not to blame himself, he couldn't have known the Decepticons would attack. Optimus says that if anyone is to blame, it is he himself - he knew the Decepticons would be up to something, but he didn't take every possible step to keep everyone safe. He tells Sam to have courage, Bumblebee will pull through - he's a tough little guy. Then he rings off - they're nearing their destination.
And it's Action Time! The Autobots and their US military allies parachute down into the weapons plant and attack... Ironhide takes one team and Optimus takes another, and they attack from different sides. Starscream deploys all his forces, the battle is fierce. the Autobots are not only outnumbered, the Decepticons are bigger and much better armed. And many of them can fly! They've also been busy outfighting the plant's tanks, missile launchers and so on with slave circuits, making them semi-intelligent, able to hunt and track the Autobots.
Ratchet calls Michaela in to help with Bumblebee - she’s not confident but Sam tells her she can do it. She goes in, scared out of her wits. Fixing cars is one thing, but this is like surgery! She never wanted to be a doctor! Sam looks on anxiously.
The swimmer minion confirms - Megatron is NOT dead! Soundwave instantly orders the Constructicons and the Decepticon Doctor to abandon Starscream and head to the Abyss. Starscream sees them go and screams in anger, but has no idea what they’re doing, he thinks they’re just cowards. But he’s not doing too badly himself - Ironhide is no match for him, he only has to worry about Optimus, and he has all his lovely new machines to help him. And most of the Decepticons are still with him, cowed into obedience. He’s confident he will be victorious. He shoots Ironhide right in the face, bringing him down. Optimus cries out, and then It’s On... they square off.
The Constructicons and Doctor arrive in the Abyss and begin repairing Megatron. The minion is sacrificed to provide the necessary Spark. Megatron awakes, and Soundwave communicates all current intel instantly. Megatron rises rapidly, and bursts from the ocean, heading for the foreign country with his loyal followers close behind.
Ratchet calls Sam in. They’re losing Bumblebee, he should say his goodbyes. Sam can’t believe it, he says he refuses to give up on his friend. He sits there with Bumblebee while Ratchet and Michaela keep trying. While they work, he talks about how Bumblebee is the best friend he's ever had, and how he's sorry he took him for granted. Michaela overhears, and softens a little more.
Optimus is battling Starscream, the other Decepticons are staying back. Half of them are curious to see what will happen - the other half of them want Starscream to fail. Optimus is older and not nearly as agile, he lacks Starscream’s impressive firepower, but he’s more cunning, less reckless. Starscream is losing, despite firing off devastating volleys. As they fight, they talk, and Optimus tells Starscream he doesn’t have to do this, he’s not Megatron, he’ll lose. He says he could at least respect Megatron, because Megatron was fighting for a cause. Starscream is just out for personal gain. Starscream is getting mad, yelling ‘Stop talking about Megatron! Stop comparing me to Megatron!’ This of course is exactly what Optimus wants, Starscream is getting more and more reckless.
And then it happens - Megatron bursts into the room, covered in rust and slime, looking like some demon or titan, yelling ‘Starscreeeeeam!’ Optimus and Starscream are stunned. The other Decepticons instantly fall in behind Megatron. Starscream grovels, lying that he was just preparing for Megatron’s return. Megatron sees through the lie and tells him it was a stupid plan, and that even if it did have any strategic potential it’s been squandered now - the place is a wreck. And it stinks of humans. He clobbers Starscream, and points his gun at him, demanding to know why he shouldn’t just kill him now. Starscream pleads and begs, and Megatron calls him ‘Pathetic,’ and ‘A snivelling coward’.
Meanwhile Optimus has grabbed Ironhide and he and his allies are in full retreat, telling all the human slaves to get out while they can. Military Guy and his mates have set explosives, and these begin to detonate.
Megatron clubs Starscream again and has his loyal followers take him into custody to be dealt with later. Starscream asks what will happen to him, and Megatron says he expects he’ll probably kill him, but maybe not. He dismisses Starscream from his presence, and turns to deal with Prime, but the explosions and his weakened state prevent him from catching his prey, even as he stalks through the inferno like a giant from the depths of hell. He sees Optimus and the Autobots escape, and vows that he will have his revenge, not today, but soon... very soon...
The Autobots make it back to the US, and say farewell to their human allies. Then they head back to base. There, they meet Sam, Michaela, Ratchet and Bumblebee... who has been saved. Ratchet says Michaela did an amazing job, despite not knowing Cybertronian anatomy. Bumblebee would have died if she hadn’t kept him alive until Ratchet could get to him. He’s weak, and will need ongoing repairs, but he’s out of danger. Optimus congratulates her, but not at length - Ironhide is badly wounded, and some of the others need help too. Ratchet mentions he could really do with Wheeljack’s help around the place, they should look into locating him. Then he and Michaela go back in to continue - but Sam grabs her hand and tries to thank her. He can’t, but she can see it in his face. She kisses him, and heads back in to surgery.
The rest of the day passes and Ironhide comes out restored, the other Autobots pop in and out, and Bumblebee and Sam sit outside in the afternoon sunshine. As the sun sets, Michaela comes out, and she tells him Ratchet is going to give her some specialist training, and Optimus says he might be able to help her get a scholarship or something. She and Sam kiss, then drive off back to their lives. It’s back to college for him, and back to work for her, but maybe not right away... As Bumblebee drives off into the sunset, Optimus delivers his final speech about how the Decepticons don’t understand true loyalty, friendship and love, and that is why they’ll always lose.
Credits roll, but stop halfway through. The ambassador, sitting in her jail cell, is surprised when the cell door is opened. The General comes in, and tells her she’s free to go - the President has been deposed. The ambassador is grateful, but wants to know who will be in charge now? The general smiles an evil smile. ‘A powerful man’, he replies, ‘A man with a vison.’ It’s clear he’s talking about himself, but that the words apply equally to Megatron. The ambassador smiles but she’s clearly disturbed by the words (the implication is that with Megatron back in charge of the Decepticons, things are about to get dangerous...)
